Well, against all disbelief, Gregblood actually followed up on his threat; he filed a lawsuit against me. Some guy brought me an envelope a couple of days ago and said, “You’ve been served!” I had a very clever response to that. “HUH?”
The following document is what I was “served.”
In my opinion, it’s just not right to sue one’s alter-ego. I would never sue Gregblood. We’ve been together too long to do something that mean and vindictive. Sure, we’ve had our differences over the years but, gosh, how could he forget all of the good times we’ve had on five bike tours and countless day rides together? That guy is becoming not only a bee in my bonnet, but also a thorn in my side, a pain in my ass, a monkey on my back, an albatross around my neck, an elephant on my chest, a dagger in my heart, an earworm on my brain, a hammer on my skull, a mob enforcer on my kneecaps, a drill on my tooth, a habanero on my tongue, salt in my wounds, and all kinds of other irritating stuff.
Nevertheless, I guess I had no other choice but to ride my bike up to the Dakota County Courthouse this morning, though I sure wasn’t happy about it. I didn’t ask Doris to come along because I didn’t want to subject her to the stress of witnessing such a totally unfair lawsuit. However, I’m way too smart to go into the courtroom alone. Oh yeah! I hired perhaps the smartest lawyer of all-time. He will appeal to the judge’s patriotism, and he’ll tear Gregblood’s case to shreds like a hyena ripping into the flesh of a dead skunk. Or, at minimum, he’ll delay the case until I can get all seven rides in.
That’s OK, I’m willing to pay whatever it takes to defeat my ruthless human alter-ego. It’s only about a two-mile bike ride to the courthouse, and the entire time it took to get there I worried about HOW I could possibly pay Mr. Lincoln’s fee. After all, I only have a couple dollars to my name. Thankfully, by the time I reached my destination I had come up with another one of my brilliant ideas. I’ll elaborate on that later.
Mr. Lincoln and I sat outside the courtroom and waited for the case to be called. Across the room we could see Gregblood sitting there all smug and overconfident. He just stared at us with a goofy frown on his face. I couldn’t believe he wore a tie for the first time in five years. I knew it was just to impress the judge. I wanted to slap him, but Honest Abe held me back.
I’m not going to present the entire transcript of the hearing, but to make a long story short, Lutz argued for a cease and desist order, and my guy, Abraham Lincoln, argued for a change of venue, for additional time to depose various witnesses, and for a thorough psychological evaluation on Gregblood.
The judge considered all of the evidence and testimony and issued a compromise decision. He ordered that I would be required to return the Cycle365 Account and its password to Gregblood within two weeks, or face up to one year in jail. Part two of the decision was that the judge agreed it was probably a good idea for Gregblood to undergo extensive psychological evaluation and treatment.
All in all, the judgement seemed pretty fair. Mainly, it gives me fourteen days to complete four more Cycle Life Challenge rides. I’m quite sure I can do that. I mean, I’ve already posted three rides in less than a week. Even the forecasts of heavy rain, quickly melting snow, and flooding over the next few days won’t delay me too much. That’s the kind of stuff cartoon characters like Yosemite Sam, Wile E. Coyote, and I thrive on.
Putting that bogus lawsuit behind me took a lot of weight off my shoulders, but I still had to pay my attorney. That’s where today’s purchase come in. I rode over to the Sterling Dollar Store, which is right across the highway from the Judicial Center. I don’t know how the Sterling Dollar Store does it, but they have a scheme in which they can turn a $1.00 investment into a return of nearly $3,000. Considering the financial pickle I am in right now, it would be insane to pass up such a good deal.
I was so excited about this turn of events that I continued my bike ride for several more miles. I rode downtown and took a few more pictures. That included the bridge picture at the top of this page and a couple more pictures of icicles that follow. When I returned home, I think I was the happiest cartoon alter-ego of all time.