[In this part of the world, during this part of the year, two animals stand out as being particularly active. Geese and squirrels are so ubiquitous that most people do not even notice them. If they do notice them, they generally won’t give them a second thought. I notice them and I give them second, third, fourth, tenth, and fiftieth thoughts. That’s why, right in the middle of today’s bike ride, I came up with the idea to make a big budget documentary focusing on those two species. Of course, I realize that big, dumb waterfowl and skittish rodents don’t exactly provide the same exciting nature viewing as, say, eagles and cheetahs, but I think after watching my documentary you will be as fascinated by these wild animals as I was. As you will see, I’ve provided some never-before-seen video, intelligent narration, interesting photography, and many brand new alternative facts. Some of the information might be considered controversial and some of it is scientifically unverifiable, but I present them as facts nevertheless. With great appreciation for this community of cyclists, I am presenting the world premier of Geese & Squirrels to my friends at Cycle365 before I sell my Ken Burns-like documentary to a major Hollywood studio. Without further ado, here it is.]
Narrator: This presentation is a celebration of nature, of art, of bike riding, of animal life, of freedom, of dorkiness, of pseudo-science. It’s about geese. It’s about squirrels. It’s about a guy who rides his bike almost every day (except for the approximately 60 days so far this year when he didn’t) and who thinks of himself as the next Kubrick or Coen Brother.
The dude set out one day into the wilds of HIS Town and, less than four blocks out, he knew that THIS bike ride would be something very special. He saw hundreds of geese flying overhead, honking their guts out. He saw multitudes of squirrels scurrying scarily across the road in front of him. He knew he had to capture the memory of those creatures in some way, so he rode a mile-and-a-half down to the Mississippi River and let his movie camera (cell phone) do the talking. Well, HE did the talking, but his cell phone did the filming.
Narrator: Greg The Cycling Goose Scientist was pleased with his encounter with the lone goose, but he was positively ecstatic a couple miles later when he came upon a large field filled with a gaggle of geese grazing on grass. In his ingenious mind, it was a great opportunity to make friends with a large group of his fellow Minnesota inhabitants. He wondered: “Could this be one of the greatest bird-human meetings of all time? What could we learn from each other? Will we gain a greater understanding of each others’ small place in the universe? Could the meeting result in improved inter-species relations throughout the world?”
Narrator: Meanwhile, the squirrel community was also in action, scurrying across roads & lawns and climbing trees in search of delicious acorns. Their activities did not escape the filmmaker’s notice.
Narrator: Greg’s “no baby squirrels” hypothesis was revolutionary. No animalologist in animalological history had ever proposed such a theory before. In the interest of scientific balance, we sought another opinion by consulting a world reknowned squirrel expert. This is what Professor G-2 had to say:
Narrator: After the uncomfortable confrontation with the world renowned squirrel expert, the third Coen Brother continued his bike ride. He saw a jet black squirrel, but was not able to activate his movie camera fast enough to film that one-in-a-million sighting. A few days earlier, he had seen an albino squirrel but he was unable to capture that guy on film either. Talk about one unlucky film maker. Still, he did manage to film the rare squirrel footage that follows.
Narrator: Later, Greg the Goose Scientist pedaled back into the wonderful world of geese. As he watched the migrating birds overhead he remembered a picture he posted on Cycle365 back in the springtime. Someday that picture will be featured in National Geographic Magazine. Wouldn’t it be romantic to think some of those baby geese have grown up and are now flying among the formation of geese flying in the video that follows.