THE LAST DUDE IN MINNESOTA, CHAPTER 3: The Rise of the Psycle Killers

[PARENTAL WARNING: Due to violence, strong language and disturbing images, some content may not be suitable for children under the age of 14.]

The dude continued his search for life in Minnesota for several days since the last episode. He was positive there were people out there somewhere and he never lost hope of finding them. He couldn’t lose hope because hope was all he had. He pedaled, he searched, he pedaled, he surveyed the countryside, he pedaled, he looked under the broken concrete ruins of buildings and bridges, he pedaled, he searched caves and cornfields and burned out wastelands, he pedaled, he sometimes felt discouraged but never defeated, and he pedaled.

“Gosh darnit,” he frequently said to himself for no other reason than to relieve the deep sense of loneliness, “I WILL find some like-minded cyclists and, together, we will destroy the virus and save Minnesota–as well as the whole world.

Thanks to some suggestions from out-of-state friends (Em, Led, TJ), the dude got a few ideas on how to continue his quest. And on the seventh day, he finally found another living soul — that is, if the undead are considered living souls.

“Hells Yeah, I’m not picky. I don’t mind zombies as long as they’re willing to work with me and not eat my brains.” Then he added, “Of course, you wouldn’t get much of a meal from MY brain. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

Thank goodness, Zombie agreed to be cooperative and promised not to eat any of the dude’s vital organs at all. Not even a nibble. Plus, the most helpful detail was that Zombie had a bike, and not just a regular bike, but a sweet customized virus-killing machine. With a common mission established, the duo rode off together as brothers-in-arms against a formidable enemy.

“I’ve heard some rumors about a couple of very violent folks who fiercely dislike the Corona Virus as much as we do,” announced Zombie as they were climbing a steep hill out of the flooded river valley, “and I think I might have an idea where to find them.”

“Well, duh, let’s go to there,” replied the dude, “I can’t believe you didn’t mention this earlier.”

Before long, Zombie and the dude spotted the Virus-hating twosome near the trunk of a distant tree. They were engaged in battle with a couple swarms of dirty Corona Virus.

Armed with butcher knives and swords, they easily vanquished the horde of vermin.

The dude and Zombie watched the bloody destruction and shouted in unison, “YES! They look like OUR kind of people.” They rode over to the tree and introduced themselves and the four of them quickly agreed to join forces to rid the state of those stinking Corona germs. They held a quick strategy session in which they gave their squad a name, and in which they bonded in the idea that they would never run and hide from the most deadly virus in a hundred years. No, they would take the offensive. The only road to victory was to STAND UP AND FIGHT!

They named themselves THE PSYCLE KILLERS: Dude, Zombie, D-2, and Doreen

The Psycle Killers’ theme song.

After an hour of intense cycling, the Psycle Killers took a short break. It didn’t take too long before another bunch of Corona Viruses moved in. At first, the dude got a weird idea in his head. It was a variation on the old “Pied Piper” trick in which he would lead the virus mob out of Minnesota with enticing flute music. “It couldn’t hurt to try,” he figured, and the rest of the team agreed with more than a little skepticism.

Unfortunately, the dude doesn’t own a flute so he made the mistake of substituting an old harmonica. That turned out to be a bad decision because what sounded like a beautiful blues harp tune to the dude sounded like irritating screeches and moans to the deadly germs. The germs attacked!

With a few surgically precise swipes from a Crocodile Dundee-like knife, the dude was able to slice and dice most of the virus slime right out of the air.

Zombie was equally prepared. By carefully maneuvering his custom designed bike, he was able to squish hundreds of Coronas beneath his tires.

It was a mighty battle–a bloody battle–but the Psycle Killers emerged victorious with no casualties. They knew it would have been fun to celebrate with a nice bottle of French Champagne and a variety of hors d’ ouvres and maybe a piñata, but the team was well aware that this WAR wasn’t over yet–not until they destroy the biggest, baddest, most disgusting, most putrid, and most evil Queen Mother of the entire Corona universe.

[To Be Continued . . . ]

Hi. My name is Greg and I ride my bike a lot. That is to say, I ride my bike almost every day. I go on long rides and short rides. Sunny rides, cloudy rides, and rainy rides. I like commuting, errand-running, day-tripping, overnighting, and touring on my bike. I ride on city streets, highways, gravel, single track, and snow with equal enthusiasm. Sometimes I ride fast and sometimes I ride slow. I try to keep my feet on the pedals at stop lights and I do not dismount when I hop up on a curb. I have a roadie bike, a mountain bike and a touring bike. I try to accept any challenge a bike ride can throw at me without complaint. But I don't like bugs.

17 response to "THE LAST DUDE IN MINNESOTA, CHAPTER 3: The Rise of the Psycle Killers"

  1. By: Seasidejanet Posted: April 3, 2020

    Hello Greg…….I’ve been MIA for awhile but/and I am glad to see you out there slaying the virus!! We are riding but just today got another ‘Lockdown” and some of the language was pretty strong against bike riding……we shall see. Stay well !!

    • By: gregblood Posted: April 4, 2020

      Hi Janet. Yes, I’ve noticed your absence and I was starting to get a little worried. Good to see you’re riding your bike and thanks for the message.

      I’ve seen on the news about all the very tight restrictions in your area. Hopefully it won’t come down to an outright ban on cycling. I don’t know what I’d do if they put a ban on biking here in MN. I’d probably have a mental breakdown and the local citizens would see me somersaulting and cartwheeling on the streets all over town.

      Hi to Jack, and please take care.

      • By: NancyG Posted: April 4, 2020

        Nice to see you back Janet. I’m with you Greg about going mentally overboard if I cannot ride my bike!!
        I hope the Dude ‘n All do some damage to that thing out there.

  2. By: Lednar De Nalloh Posted: April 4, 2020

    Wow this is an epic battle. You could try pouring your blood in the local fountain like Charlton Heston in Omega Man. I’m in suspenders, who would have thought that the viruses play for The Packers.

  3. By: Bill Stone Posted: April 4, 2020

    As a wise cyclist once said to me, “Are there any behavioral psychiatrists in YOUR town? Perhaps one who specializes in cycling disorders? Just wondering.” Remember, Greg, we’re all here to help you. I recovered from my cycle-induced condition, and so can you.

    • By: Rocky Posted: April 4, 2020

      Hey just a minute there. I resemble that comment! Don’t you have to be a little crazy to spend so much time on your bicycle.

    • By: Rich-Illinois Posted: April 4, 2020

      I’m told there IS a 12 Step Plan for such disorders. 😉

    • By: gregblood Posted: April 4, 2020

      I hate it when my words of sarcasm get used against me.

  4. By: Scooter Posted: April 4, 2020

    OK, Greg. I think I’m starting to feel threatened. The first thing Rocky does in the morning now I s to check in to see if there’s news from The Last Dude, and she never laughs so hard at anything I write.

    • By: gregblood Posted: April 4, 2020

      I am so sorry. The next installment should be coming out tomorrow and it should be so dead serious that nobody could laugh at it.

  5. By: Rocky Posted: April 4, 2020

    You are an amazing storyteller! I can’t wait until the next installment. It’s great to have something to laugh about.

  6. By: Suzanne Posted: April 4, 2020

    I was looking for the soundtrack on the picture with the harmonica. Next time?

  7. By: Rich-Illinois Posted: April 4, 2020

    When you clear up MN you guys might ‘consider’ New York, I know, I know, we are considered Fly Over territory by them, but still . . . . . Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country — oh, wait, that was from the typing class I flunked — twice.

    • By: gregblood Posted: April 4, 2020

      I believe Typing Class was the most useful class I took in high school. I never had to hire one of those people who got paid to type up college papers, and you know what? Typing on a typewriter is pretty similar to typing on a computer keyboard. I think I might have gotten an A in typing class.

  8. By: The Navigator Posted: April 6, 2020

    Excellent and suspenseful story! Friendly zombies can be a real plot-killer, but not so for Garceau. Who needs cytokins and t-cells when you’ve got Greg and friends to fight off the virus!?

  9. By: Tony Cullimore Posted: April 7, 2020

    Initially too scared to read more than half way, I stopped, started again, faltered and then finally finished this episode.

    We now peep round the front door, clutching kitchen knives, looking for the bastards eager to join in the fray.

  10. By: Hopkins Escapades Posted: April 8, 2020

    Wowwwwwwww! This is EPIC! A battle against the evil virus with the Psycle-Killers! I see a Star Wars finale, complete with robots killing the coronavirus alongside the current cast of heroic characters. Love the harmonica, but everyone knows that only a flute works against rats and viruses! Glad you were able to dodge the attacking Covid and get safely outta the tree!

    I read your story to Hopkins after dark, but he made me turn the lights on. Don’t tell anyone, but he was really shaking in his panniers that a zombie had joined the ranks, until he saw that his cool corona killing bike could roll over and squish the buggers. Now Hopkins wants tires that do the same thing so he can join your army of misfit Covid conquerors!

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