SPECIAL REPORT: Christmas Shopping In MY Town

Welcome viewers and thank you for tuning in to this Greg News Channel special report. We know the world has many questions about the state of Christmas Shopping in Hastings, Minnesota during the world-wide Corona Virus pandemic. How is the “shop local” initiative working out? Is business up or down? Will the restaurants and bars survive with carryout orders only? How about clothing retailers? And electronics stores? And liquor stores? What are the “hot” items that people are buying for Christmas presents? What percentage of the local consumers are doing their Christmas shopping by bicycle? Are people wearing their masks as required by the stores and the governor? Or are they flouting those requirements and burning their masks, brandishing their guns, and shivering in fear that Biden will turn us into a Communist country? (Assuming, that is, Biden can withstand the loony president’s continued onslaught of challenges to the election.) We here at the Greg News Channel feel this important documentary will provide almost no answers to any of these questions.

But we did send a couple of our reporters out to check on traffic levels at some of the city’s most important shopping areas and, as a bonus, we might also start a couple of our own conspiracy theories. After all, as a legitimate news organization, we do have to report on SOMETHING.

Traffic is heavy in front of The Schoolhouse Square area. Unfortunately, most of the traffic seems to be driving right on by. It’s as if people have no interest in a new Verizon cell phone or a scoop of home made ice-cream on a 40-degree day.

Did you hear that several prominent Republican Senators thought Schoolhouse Square was an actual school and invested millions of dollars into it with the hope that the teachers would introduce children to the principles of “God, Guns, Country, and the Art of Denying Reality?”

Over at the historic downtown shopping area, traffic was more brisk than usual.

Near the downtown area is a voting center for this particular ward. News has it that Rudy Giuliani wants to seize the voting machines to prove that Minnesota, against all odds, voted for trump. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hello everyone. I’m reporting from the Midtown Shopping Center. Business is booming at Dollar Tree, the Salvation Army’s Family Store, and Emily’s bakery. The other stores? Not so much.

Breaking News:

Storm Chaser Greg is certainly very brave for venturing out into the worst weather conditions imaginable, but he is also very brave for defying an insane presidential order. According to an unnamed source, the Prez tried to shut down Storm Chaser Greg’s report because it didn’t portray an image of “Make America’s Weather Great Again.” [MAWGA]

The Westview Shopping Center isn’t exactly overwhelmed with customers, though paint, hardware, vaping supplies, dialysis treatments, and chiropractic adjustments have never been the most popular goods and services for Christmas presents. The liquor store is doing OK though.

It has been widely reported that the vast majority of the GOP hate the Westview Center because they cant stand anything that even SUGGESTS viewing that bastion of liberalism, the west coast. The Attorney General of Texas is preparing a lawsuit against the Westview Center for believing in the validity of California’s election results.

If you thought the Westview Center looked empty, check out the boarded-up Target Store. On the other side of the highway, WalMart’s parking lot was packed. Sad.

The Hastings Marketplace was much busier than the Westview Center and Target, mainly because there were tons of people buying essential supplies at the Cub Grocery Store. You know, stuff like rice, beans, eggs, milk, baby formula, toilet paper. The line-up of cars at the Caribou Coffee drive-thru is also quite impressive.

One of the most widespread conspiracy theories is the G-Anon Theory. There is a restaurant there which allows gullible members of a major political party to mimic every crazy idea the president utters. They even get to kiss a big picture of the president’s backside. I heard Hannity is one of its best customers.

Okay, that’s it for today, except for one more thing. My attorneys told me to post the following disclaimer:

The conspiracy theories posted above are not presented as FACTS, just opinion. Kind of like how Dominion Voting Systems forced Fox News and Newsmax to admit the same thing on their broadcasts under a serious threat of lawsuits. I love it!

Hi. My name is Greg and I ride my bike a lot. That is to say, I ride my bike almost every day. I go on long rides and short rides. Sunny rides, cloudy rides, and rainy rides. I like commuting, errand-running, day-tripping, overnighting, and touring on my bike. I ride on city streets, highways, gravel, single track, and snow with equal enthusiasm. Sometimes I ride fast and sometimes I ride slow. I try to keep my feet on the pedals at stop lights and I do not dismount when I hop up on a curb. I have a roadie bike, a mountain bike and a touring bike. I try to accept any challenge a bike ride can throw at me without complaint. But I don't like bugs.

3 response to "SPECIAL REPORT: Christmas Shopping In MY Town"

  1. By: BobinVT Posted: December 23, 2020

    Who knew that Hastings was such a hotbed of political controversy! Your weather is looking very un-Minnesota-like.

  2. By: Bill Stone Posted: December 23, 2020

    You’re a brave reporter, out on two wheels among all those maniacal last-minute holiday shoppers in their gigantic Suburban Assault Vehicles!

  3. By: Lednar De Nalloh Posted: December 24, 2020

    The shops are a madhouse here, I avoid them like the plague, even before Covid 19. Rather go cycling.

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