SPECIAL REPORT: Christmas Shopping In MY Town
Welcome viewers and thank you for tuning in to this Greg News Channel special report. We know the world has many questions about the state of Christmas Shopping in Hastings, Minnesota during the world-wide Corona Virus pandemic. How is the “shop local” initiative working out? Is business up or down? Will the restaurants and bars survive with carryout orders only? How about clothing retailers? And electronics stores? And liquor stores? What are the “hot” items that people are buying for Christmas presents? What percentage of the local consumers are doing their Christmas shopping by bicycle? Are people wearing their masks as required by the stores and the governor? Or are they flouting those requirements and burning their masks, brandishing their guns, and shivering in fear that Biden will turn us into a Communist country? (Assuming, that is, Biden can withstand the loony president’s continued onslaught of challenges to the election.) We here at the Greg News Channel feel this important documentary will provide almost no answers to any of these questions.
But we did send a couple of our reporters out to check on traffic levels at some of the city’s most important shopping areas and, as a bonus, we might also start a couple of our own conspiracy theories. After all, as a legitimate news organization, we do have to report on SOMETHING.
Did you hear that several prominent Republican Senators thought Schoolhouse Square was an actual school and invested millions of dollars into it with the hope that the teachers would introduce children to the principles of “God, Guns, Country, and the Art of Denying Reality?”
Near the downtown area is a voting center for this particular ward. News has it that Rudy Giuliani wants to seize the voting machines to prove that Minnesota, against all odds, voted for trump. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Storm Chaser Greg is certainly very brave for venturing out into the worst weather conditions imaginable, but he is also very brave for defying an insane presidential order. According to an unnamed source, the Prez tried to shut down Storm Chaser Greg’s report because it didn’t portray an image of “Make America’s Weather Great Again.” [MAWGA]
It has been widely reported that the vast majority of the GOP hate the Westview Center because they cant stand anything that even SUGGESTS viewing that bastion of liberalism, the west coast. The Attorney General of Texas is preparing a lawsuit against the Westview Center for believing in the validity of California’s election results.
One of the most widespread conspiracy theories is the G-Anon Theory. There is a restaurant there which allows gullible members of a major political party to mimic every crazy idea the president utters. They even get to kiss a big picture of the president’s backside. I heard Hannity is one of its best customers.
Okay, that’s it for today, except for one more thing. My attorneys told me to post the following disclaimer:
The conspiracy theories posted above are not presented as FACTS, just opinion. Kind of like how Dominion Voting Systems forced Fox News and Newsmax to admit the same thing on their broadcasts under a serious threat of lawsuits. I love it!
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3 response to "SPECIAL REPORT: Christmas Shopping In MY Town"
Who knew that Hastings was such a hotbed of political controversy! Your weather is looking very un-Minnesota-like.
You’re a brave reporter, out on two wheels among all those maniacal last-minute holiday shoppers in their gigantic Suburban Assault Vehicles!
The shops are a madhouse here, I avoid them like the plague, even before Covid 19. Rather go cycling.